Coming-of-Age Ceremonies

Coming-of-age ceremonies are usually defined as marking the transition between childhood and adulthood. But considering rites of passage, another point in a person’s life that can be celebrated with a coming-of-age ceremony is at the other end of adulthood.

To make clear what I mean, let’s divide a person’s life span into three stages:

• Childhood: Birth to puberty
• Adulthood: Puberty to menopause for a woman, or the equivalent age – perhaps retirement – for a man
• Elderhood: The remainder of a person’s life

Childhood to Adulthood

The passage from childhood into adulthood is one of the most important rites in many cultural and faith traditions. For example the Bar or Bat Mitzvah is frequently the most celebrated rite in the life of a Jewish boy or girl, the Quinceañera marks the coming-of-age of a 15-year-old girl in many Hispanic societies and communities, and in traditional societies the initiation into adulthood is one of the most significant rituals a person is likely to experience in his or her lifetime.

Yet it is interesting that in Western society this momentous change, the transition from childhood to adulthood, is virtually ignored as a time to be ritually celebrated. Instead, it is usually marked by legal milestones: in the United States getting a driver’s license at age 16, entering the military at 17 or 18, being able to vote at age 18, and being able to legally consume alcohol at age 18 or 21 (depending on the location).

The long—and variable—period of schooling in our society makes it difficult to decide on a uniform age in which a person becomes an adult. Graduation from high school or college might be considered a coming-of-age ceremony, but all too often graduations are experienced by the student as a change from something—school—without a corresponding acknowledgement of what the person is changing to: work? More schooling? In addition, college and even graduate school students are frequently being supported by their parents or living off of loans rather than being financially independent, making it even more unclear just when they become adults.

I suspect that the lack of ceremonial recognition of the transition from childhood to adulthood is a significant contributor to the frequent problems adolescents have in this society. Even young people who have been through a cultural or religious ritual such as the Quinceañera or Bar Mitzvah often receive mixed signals afterwards from their families, their schools, and the general society about whether they are really adults or are still children.

The challenge is deciding just when a youth has become an adult. At a particular age? First menstruation for a girl or when a boy’s voice changes? At graduation from high school? Graduation from college? Getting one’s first real job? Whenever that point is, a special rite of passage to celebrate that transition, especially if the ceremony is followed by family and friends henceforward treating the young person as the adult he or she has become, can make a major difference in the young person’s maturation.

Middle Age to Elderhood

A common problem in our society is that elders—often called “seniors”—are not generally honored as they would be in traditional societies. The cult of youth in our society and the lack of appreciation for what elders have to offer from their experience encourages adults to try to stay young as long as possible. Many adults become depressed as they age, feeling like their productive lives are over when they approach retirement or their children leave home.

But here is where a rite of passage can be very beneficial. Instead of seeing this transition point as a movement from being a “productive” member of society to someone who is “retired”—put out to pasture, or so it often seems—a ceremony marking the transition to elderhood can help the new elder recognize all the wisdom he or she has gained in the previous years and begin to realize all the ways he or she can now apply that wisdom to society and the next generation, now that the children are grown and the new elder has the freedom of not having to go into the office or tend to the children every day.

And as an extra benefit, Croning rituals (becoming a Crone – a wise elder) for women or Sagings (becoming a sage) for men can be lots of fun.

If you have a child—or are an adult—who is ready to move into the next stage of life, contact me. I can help you make your coming-of-age ritual a real and meaningful celebration of the new life stage.